Monday, November 12, 7:43am
From: Ocean Connect Human Resources
To: Main Deck
Subject: Welcome to the Ocean Connect Crew!
Congratulations on joining the most rapidly expanding naval team on the seven seas: the Ocean Connect Crew!
We are very excited to have you all on board as our newest acquisitions after last night’s surprise merger. It was a gruelling negotiation, but it pleases me to report that, while under the cover of darkness, the terms were able to be finalised to within an acceptable number of casualties. Of course, you can read all the gory details once the staff newsletter makes its rounds later this week.
How is this going to affect your role? Well, in the coming days you are going to see a big culture shift on the main deck. You may have already seen some of the signage going up, but as part of our image update, this vessel will be renamed from The Salty Bastard to Ocean Connect Corporate Headquarters. Keeping in line with this, vessel leadership has also been shaken up, so you may notice an absence of familiar faces in the management team. This has all been done to make sure our internal structure remains seaworthy, flushing out the hierarchical flotsam to keep our departments lean. For those that have departed from the organisation, be rest assured that they did, ultimately, make peace with their lot before the final moments of the merge.
There is also going to be some moving around as we make the transition from an open galleon to a naval office floor plan. During this time, the below decks will be inaccessible while they are refurbished and a full rum and loot inventory is taken. We apologise for the inconvenience in the short term, but in the long term this is going to mean some big opportunities. A lot of new positions are going to be opening up and we’re eager to fill them with internal hires. We’ll be sending out a welcome pack shortly with some more information about what we’re looking for in these roles. I urge you to read through it, cover to cover, as our Talent Bosuns will be making appearances this week for evaluations and I want you to wow us with your commitment to joining the Ocean Connect ranks.
But don’t worry – not everything about sea life is changing! Those that aren’t able to fit within the new Ocean Connect culture will be treated to a classic pirate custom, being appropriately bound and keelhauled across the barnacled underside of Ocean Connect Corporate Headquarters.
I look forward to getting to know all of you soon!
Kind regards,
Bradley Kentwell
Nautical Transition Specialist
bkentwell@oceanconnect.com.oce
Monday, November 12, 9:00am
From: Ocean Connect Human Resources
To: Main Deck
Subject: Swabbie Handbook (please read)
Being a Swabbie aboard an Ocean Connect vessel means more than just being a deckhand, it means you are a vital part of our vision to bring piracy into a new age. Your daily responsibilities will be constantly evolving as we tap into new and exciting markets, and we’ll need you to be agile, responsive, and committed to this vision if you want to succeed in the role. Make sure you have your sea legs, because you’ll need to hit the deck running to keep up with what’s coming over the horizon.
One of the first things that will be changing is how we speak about piracy. For a long time, Pirates have been depicted as cruel, violent freeloaders that operate outside of the law. We want to shake off that image and forge a new one. We want the Pirate to be an icon that the public can trust, and it starts with the words we choose.
From now on, you won’t be crewing under a Captain. Instead, this vessel will be helmed by a Chief Executive Officer (CEO), one who is currently stationed onshore. Functionally, the CEO is still top dog, but will have more of a hands-off approach to daily operations so that they can devote more of their time toward high-level naval agreements. This new title also comes with a new focus, moving from sea-villainy toward partnership brokering, chiefly with those who you might once have labelled as ‘Landlubbers’. We will also be dropping that term from all communications in favour of the more neutral ‘Stakeholders’ label.
Within internal communication, loot, booty, and bounty will be collectively known as Revenue. When a new crewmate starts their role, we will not be ‘breaking in’ Swabbies, rather we will describe it as an ‘onboarding’ process. We want the first step of every Ocean Connect journey to be in a fun-but-fair environment, and we think this little wordplay creates just that feeling.
Furthermore, you will no longer need to throw the terms ‘walk the plank’, ‘mutiny’, or ‘parley’ around, as they will be prohibited actions for Swabbies during the first phase of our corporate transition. We also wish to discourage any references to the ‘Poop Deck’ or ‘Scuttlebutt’ for their obvious coprophilic allusions. In general, the rule of thumb is: if it makes someone feel uncomfortable, don’t say it!
We will also be tackling the barrel-of-monkeys chaos stereotype that doggedly follows piracy with some big structural changes to the main deck. We will be going through a process of cubicling available deck space to create clearly demarcated squares for each Swabbie. If you are successful in your application, you will be assigned your own deck section that you and you alone will be responsible for swabbing. This means that, at all times, you will know where to be and what to swab so you can launch yourself 100% into your duties.
Additionally, to increase vessel safety, it will now be a requirement for all crew to keep at least one foot on-deck while holding onto rigging. Traversal across the rigging or into the crow’s nest is not permitted unless you have been given a rigging pass and are wearing a high visibility vest.
This transition will be challenging at times, but the Ocean Connect Human Resources team will always be there for support if you need it. If you have any feedback or questions regarding your role, please do not hesitate to contact us. We have set up a suggestion barrel outside our office in the Revenue Hold.
Remember, it’s the little bit that we all do each day that makes us an Ocean Connect crew. 🙂
Kind regards,
Bradley Kentwell
Nautical Transition Specialist
bkentwell@oceanconnect.com.oce
Wednesday, November 14, 1:00pm
From: Ocean Connect Human Resources
To: Main Deck
Subject: Exciting changes now on deck!
Hey everyone, Brad here.
I’ve got some great news that’s sure to put everyone back into a smiling mood today. After combing through the feedback collected by our Talent Bosuns, we have decided to roll out a bunch of new Swabbie incentives to thank you – and also to maybe help you see the Ocean Connect vision more clearly.
First up, we’re bringing complimentary fruit bowls to the galley. Twice a week we’ll be refilling these fruit bowls with mealworm-free bananas, oranges, and apples that will keep everyone’s energy levels topped up throughout the day. This is part of our proactive Stamp Out Scurvy initiative, which aims to eliminate scurvy in the workplace by early January.
You’ll also have noticed some additional railings being constructed alongside the cubicle partitions. These are being installed as extra accessibility considerations for our be-hooked and be-pegged brethren, who have too long suffered the able-bodied bias of the former vessel owners. Overhead rigging has been removed to facilitate their installation, and also to further discourage those who continue to swing recklessly without the proper vesting.
And, last but not least, the weaving of the corporate flag has been completed, so we will no longer need to fly the Jolly Roger to conduct business. Instead, we are now able to proudly display the Ocean Connect logo to all our prospective collaborators and streams of Revenue.
Unfortunately, I do have to report that there have also been some teething problems with the transition. Revisions to the Code of Conduct have had to be made to bring us all up to speed with where we want the culture of Ocean Connect Corporate Headquarters to be. To start with, we will no longer be operating under the superstition that women are bad luck to have on board. We are obviously thrilled to have talented female crew members, so the kind of language and invocations of Poseidon that they have had to endure is unacceptable. Frankly, it was not a bad look for Piracy, guys.
Further to this, so we all feel safe and welcomed while on board, we ask that all offensive nicknames be scrubbed from communications. A number of you have already been taken aside and warned, but just so we are perfectly clear on the matter the following list of words are not to appear in anyone’s assumed name while aboard Ocean Connect Corporate Headquarters:
- Bilgerat
- Bloody
- Cutthroat
- Death
- Dread
- Evil
- Fang
- Killer
- Mad Dog
- Mongrel
- Rotten
- Ruthless
- Salty
- Slippery
- Stabby
For the time being all beard related names, such as blackbeard or bluebeard, are permitted, but anyone sporting more than a three day growth will be required to wear a beard snood while in the lower decks or galley.
Starting from tomorrow we will have Supervisors deckwalking to answer any questions you may have regarding these new Code of Conduct changes. The suggestion barrel is currently out of service as, I am disappointed to say, it was mainly being used to send me slips of paper marked with the black spot. Again, it’s not a great cultural message to send, and I shouldn’t have to tell you that this kind of behaviour is not tolerated on an Ocean Connect vessel.
Finally, I want to say farewell to all of the candidates who were unsuccessful in their applications to the Swabbie position. On behalf of the Ocean Connect crew, we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours, and I hope that you can keep your head above water wherever the currents may take you.
Kind regards,
Bradley Kentwell
Nautical Transition Specialist
bkentwell@oceanconnect.com.oce
Saturday, November 17, 11:20pm
From: Ocean Connect Human Resources
To: Main Deck
Subject: [URGENT] Code of Conduct breaches
Hi all,
I regret to inform you that I, Bradley Kentwell, have become a victim of workplace violence.
Earlier this morning, while I was performing my morning duties of cubicle inspection, I was struck in the foot by the discharged ball of a flintlock pistol. Whether this was a misfire or not, the effects are permanent, and I have been hobbled for what could be up to a month. Being in possession of a loaded flintlock on the main deck directly breaches our Code of Conduct, under the section:
7.1.b – All melee weapons and firearms are to be surrendered to the Arms Department during the hours of cubicle duty.
The violation of these terms is cause for immediate dismissal, so should we receive any indication of which crew member was responsible, the Ocean Connect Enforcers will be forced to bring down retributive justice unlike that of any your rum-glazed eyes have ever witnessed. The same will also apply to whoever was responsible for callously slipping the Kentwell Soon card into the suggestion barrel this evening.
What concerns me most, however, is how such insubordination is becoming a trend amongst the Swabbies. I may even go so far as to call some of your behaviour conspiratorial. When we removed the starboard plank, the intention was not for it to be reinstalled by appropriating the timber of the cubicle partitions. I have sent out several circulars regarding the necessary benefits of these partitions; they are the splints that guide our future growth.
As a result, I have been left with no other choice but to shutdown operations on the starboard side of the main deck and issue a direct managerial threat to anyone found to be cavorting around the plank, or pressing other crew into the non-consensual walking thereof.
Remember people, we’re trying to dispel the rumours about us. We’re working toward a future where you can call a Pirate a friend. A future where banks and gold lenders welcome you into their halls, rather than raising the alarm. If you’re seen to be running around hacking timber to bits and shooting your superior officers, you’re just proving that you’re every bit as bad as they say you are.
I still believe we can be better than that.
Kind regards,
Bradley Kentwell
Nautical Transition Specialist
bkentwell@oceanconnect.com.oce
Monday, November 20, 3:48am
From: Ocean Connect Human Resources
To: Main Deck
Subject: Unauthorised Mutiny!
Re: see subject.
I refused to believe the cries of Mutiny that rang through the lower decks this evening. Surely not our Swabbies, I thought. Not the proud Ocean Connect crew who are committed to orderly, peaceful work. They may have had a rebellious streak in the past, but they wouldn’t moronically lash out at the company that supports them, would they?
You can imagine my surprise, then, when I got an eyeful of the behaviour that our crew were debasing themselves with on the upper decks. I needed only to follow my nose to the gunsmoke to witness the brutal assailing of Senior Crew members taking place. Cutlasses brandished without their safety sheathes, biting into flesh and wood and causing incalculable life and property damage. Hooligans swinging from the top rigging, who I believe may also have been inebriated. It was hard to tell, though, as they were naught but groggy shadows tumbling against the night sky without their reflective vests. No, I can scarcely even call it behaviour that you were indulging in. It was barbarism, plain and simple.
In a word, it was unacceptable.
In two words, it was bad piracy.
And I could go on with even more words. The list of deplorable terms leaps to my fingers as I type them. I would point your attention to the section of the Ocean Connect Swabbie handbook that forbids any mutinous conduct, but it appears you have used them to tinder your unzoned bonfires.
It’s time, instead, for a bit of tough love. I am hereby cancelling all Swabbie incentive programs. Ergo, you can forget about Bring Your Parrot to Work day, because little Polly is never coming back now. What’s more, the fruit bowl service is over. You can get your own bananas. It’s only three days to sail to the nearest port. Be my guest.
While you’re out there pissing your career up the wall, I want you all to think about how hard I worked each day to make this vessel another home for us – the crew. I’m almost certain that my foot has gone gangrenous from the stress. This merger was a chance for something great for piracy. A top-down restructure of an uncharted naval venture is a once in a lifetime opportunity for financial growth, and now you won’t see it in your lifetime.
And yes, I hear your taunts from outside. They are rather unsavoury and, honestly, a bit unoriginal. Stock-standard Piracisms, nothing innovative about them. They make me wish that I wasn’t barricaded inside the Revenue Hold so I could give you a little taste of what a modern Pirate can be. Be advised that the CEO has declared that I will be acting in their capacity from henceforth, so under any circumstances in which this ship is scuttled and requires a member of Corporate to sink with it, don’t expect me to swan off in a rowboat like some of our more junior Seniors.
I will be here until the bitter conclusion of Ocean Connect’s business.
To that end, I invite each and every one of you toothless goons to come and join me, and to skewer yourselves upon my blade like the pack of bilge-soaked, scurvy dogs that I know you all are.
I’ll be waiting.
Kind regards,
Bradley Kentwell
Nautical Transition Specialist
bkentwell@oceanconnect.com.oce
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